I caught my boyfriend giving his cell phone number to women on Facebook?
My boyfriend left his facebook account signed in on my computer. So I went on to see his messages (I don’t trust him because he cheated on me about 10 years ago). He was leaving his cell phone number for women all over the country. Telling them whenever they come to New York they can get together. I was furious and confronted him. He told me that he just does that to see if any of them call. He thinks there is nothing wrong with that. I asked him to change his cell phone number and he won’t. I am hurt and feel this relationship is not worth it anymore. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
that IS cheating… Leave him
Signs He’s Playing You, Signs She’s Playing Someone Else! Facebookin’! (Pt 4)
i have cancer and caught my husband cheating on me. are there any support groups out there?
i need help dealing with my husband’s infidelity especially at this terrible time in our lives when i am undergoing cancer treatment. i need an online support group to chat with……help. i want to keep my sanity intact
First, your health is number one. There are many support groups that will assist you through this first priority in your life. Your physician will refer you to a competent group.
Repairing trust in a loving relationship is a very difficult action to resolve. It is not impossible however, just very difficult. You are in my prayers…Marriage is worth the sacrifice even through sickness and health, good times and bad.
You are hurting which is sane given the challenges that lie before you. Turn all things over to God.
God Bless.
Infidelity Expert Stephany Alexander interviewed by CBS Early Show Giving Relationship Tips
How can I get past the anger/hurt/humiliation of my husband’s infidelity? It’s been 5 mos. and I’m miserable.
Not the first affair in our 30 years (we had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” agreement for both of us). He broke our rules for not harming the other by carrying on with a woman I know, for 14 mos. in our small community. I was the last to know he was humiliating me here. He took her on trips, spent money on her and was completely obsessed with holding on to her. I found out and made a terrible scene on catching them together We have agreed we love each other and are building a new marriage from the ashes with the help of counseling. I’m depressed, on medication and can not stop thinking about her/him. I’m suffering nightmares and fear my unhappiness will destroy our hopes for the future. We have happy times then I fall again in to the sobbing pit of pain. He is devastated by his actions and is very supportive and loving.
First of all, I am so sorry you are in such pain. One of your problems seems to be “your don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. What kind of deal was that? If the other one is cheating, don’t tell? If you live in a small community, you knew that was bound to get around fast. Your husband betrayed you, broke a sacred trust, this is why you are in pain.If anyone destroyed your hopes for the future, it was him. I hate to give you bad news, but if he thought nothing of doing this once and had affairs after 30 years of marriage, he will do it again. If you wish to forgive him, you are a better woman than I am. Listen, I know this is hard for you to see right now, but there is a life out there for you beyond the horrible pain you are suffering now. I want you to wash your face and make a pact with yourself to cry tomorrow, not today. Today, you will devote yourself to healing and feeling good. Can you go somewhere and take a vacation by yourself? Maybe a spa? Get some exercise with a friend and go out for lunch. Start planning your new life. Envision yourself and where you want to be in 5 years. Work towards that goal. If you decide you do not see your husband in that vision, the best thing to do is leave. Cheaters always cheat. They never change. My ex did the same thing. I had to pick myself up and move on. I thought I would go nuts at first. Then I came to realize there is a life beyond the pain. I worked through everything and found I could not live with the betrayal and lies anymore. I left and found a man who does not cheat. You can too. If that is what you want. Just remember, you will not change your husband. The only person you can change is yourself. I went from a person who was willing to take all the humiliation and pain to one who would not put up with it. I moved on to a better life for myself. I found a better man. You can too. You have the ability to build a better life. If you decide to stay with your husband, I would scrap the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. If you find out he is doing this again. Leave for good is my advice. Take all you can with you to build a new life and don’t look back. It is not worth crying over. If he gets involved with the other woman again, just remember, he will cheat on her too. A cheat always cheats. She did not get a prize package. So, kick him to the curve and move on.Keep your chin up! I will be praying for you.
HUFFPOST HILL – JUNE 2ND, 2010
What’s Your Reaction? Members of both parties will try their best to put this embarrassing day behind them. Republicans Mark Kirk, Jan Brewer and Darrell Issa are caught in a Blumenthal-esque web of military half-truths and outright lies. Shocking Identity Of Blogging Prostitute Revealed
Infidelity: Why Men Should Avoid It And How Sincere Regret and Forgiveness Might Save the Relationship
Who was it who said: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?” If only men understood just how devastating it is for a wife when a husband fails to be the noble man she had dreamed and hoped for.
When a well known person in the public eye is in the headlines for infidelity, what does a tough-minded Christian marriage coach have to say? Obviously we do not know all the facts, so there is no use speculating. But because of the knowledge and skill I have acquired over the years, I can use the interest in marital relations the story has aroused to make some important points.
The first thing we can learn is this: a man must never fail. He must be principled and honorable. That is a father’s role and husband’s duty. When he fails, the whole family suffers. I’ve been saying this for 20 years, and nothing has changed.
Secondly. I want to say that no one can make a man into a man. He must find it within himself.
It is the Father Spirit that our wives and children need. I will never forget something I once read. It was about the life of a sea captain who lived in the 1800′s. It told how despite the fact that he was at sea for months at a time, his wife and his daughter respected and loved him dearly. They were happy and secure though thousands of miles away. He was a man of the highest honor and impeccable virtue. He was a noble, principled man doing his duty. He had the father spirit. It is an inner bond.
If a man fails big time, his only hope is to realize his wrong, be sorry, apologize and then never fail again. Maybe his wife will forgive him and maybe she won’t. He must live the rest of his life honorably and with dignity. She may never forgive him. Even if she does not forgive him, he must continue in the marriage, do his duty and never look for sympathy. If she divorces him, he must live a principled and decent life. He must suffer in dignity–forever if necessary. He must not become bitter; he must become better.
Marriage was never meant to be a pleasure party. He must learn to be unselfish. It is his job to be there for his wife and kids. She will test him to see if he is sincere. She may test him and give him a hard time for years, decades even. He must never fail. Maybe one day she will see that he is sincere (not just pretending to have changed so as to keep the marriage perks). If nothing else, his nobility and quiet dignity will foster respect. If his apology is merely the crocodile tears of a wounded ego, and not truly sincere, his duplicity will backfire. He must be sincere.
He must not seek to divorce his wife. If she divorces him, and she gets the kids (which is most likely), then he must remain chaste and should not remarry, if possible. I understand that many men will remarry and having learned a lesson, get it right the second time. But if he remains unmarried (and she does too), the hope for reconciliation remains viable, you see.
He must live honorably and be available for the kids. Divorce is a really big thing for kids. They will undoubtedly resent him for failing them. They may side with mom and hate him. He must never hate back. He must suffer in dignity, with good will. His goodwill and graciousness, his cheerfulness and chasteness, will at least not tempt them to resent him more.
Father stands in for God in the eyes of the child. That is why he must be principled, honorable, wise, thoughtful, kind, and he must stand for what is right (without anger). He must have no vices. A man cannot lecture about marijuana if he has a cigarette in his hand. He cannot correct excessive socializing, for example, if he is surrounded by a bunch of phony friends. He must not be a wimp, but he should not be angry and violent either. He must search within for the patience and wisdom he needs and does not yet have.
As I have often said, most women have issues with their dad. He was not there for her, and she went out in the world looking for love. Chances are she had a bad experience or two with boyfriends who took advantage and did not really love her. Thus, when her husband fails her, it reminds her of all the previous men in her life who failed her.
When her husband fails, power goes to her. She is tempted to judge him and to hold him (and other men) in contempt. And she will probably hold his failing against him. Many women tend to have a memory a mile long when it comes to men’s failures. All I can say is “serves him right.”
Many men get married and expect it to be one big party. They have no idea how important husband and father are.
Their wife, on the other hand, has high expectations, but fears he may turn out to be like other men. She may have some baggage from the past: unresolved issues beginning with her father who was not there for her. She may also have been disapointed by other men, such as boy friends, who did not really love her.
When her husband fails in some way and she resents him, she tends to project her prior judgments on him. He finds out that there is a lot more going on than just hearts and flowers and candy will fix. He discovers that he needs the wisdom of Solomon and the patience of Job which he does not have. What he should do at this point is realize his lack, and seek his inner ground of being to find understanding.
Sadly, most men will err in how they go about seeking to repair the damage. Some whimper and beg their wife for forgiveness. These men are afraid of losing the comfy relationship they enjoyed. She may or may not accept her whimpering dog back. Either way she gains the power and ascends as his god. Though she may accept him back, she has no respect for him.
Other men will seek external guidance from ministers, support groups, accountability groups, counselors and other experts on how to be a better husband. Though the advice may be well intentioned and helpful, it is nevertheless second hand. It may validate what we know in our heart but should never substitute for it. Without realizing it, he may become more externally based and dependent. What he needs is an independent means of support (his Creator within, actually). This is an inner thing, based on a re-found sincere commitment to principle, without any middleman involved. From this inner rapport will come intuition based understanding, as well as the patience, kindness, wisdom, commitment, and yes, courage to do what is right.
Some men seek support from other men, the bartender, alcohol, drugs or other women. But these supports (basically accepting him the way he is–prideful, selfish and unrepentant) just take the place of an ego supportive woman. Remember, it was seeking support for his ego from his wife (or the other woman) that undermined him in the first place. Some men become married to their work or to money–these also take the place of the woman in supporting his ego.
As you can see, temptations tested tested the man’s commitment to principle and love for his family. Alas, his commitment and love were tested and found wanting. All that remains to be seen is whether or not he will be sincerely sorry and willing to change his ways or not. Without a true change of heart and commitment to principle, everything else is just window dressing.
As for the lady, I will discuss how she might salvage the situation in my next article. For now I will just say that her emotional and spiritual well being depend on her being able to stop resenting and let go of her grudge against her husband (and all men). This does not mean that she has to like what he did or pretend nothing happened. It means seeing his failing, but not resenting him for it.
Just as at work a manager can deal with a difficult situation without resenting it and can deal with a troublesome employee without resenting him, so we must learn to deal with personal situations without resentment. Just as it is possible for a teacher or coach to see and patiently correct a student’s failing (without resenting the student for it), while at the same time not supporting or condoning it–so can a wife see her husband’s failing without supporting it on the one hand or condemning him on the other.
Men are always looking for a woman to mother and support his failings. This craving for (sexual) support for his failings can become way out of bounds. It makes it difficult for a woman to love her husband without supporting what is wrong with him. To the ladies I will just say: don’t resent him. It is resentment that hurts us more than anything. Forgiveness is the answer. Again, I must say that forgiveness does not mean pretending nothing happened or going along with what happened. It means not resenting.
How wonderful it is to be married to a noble man. Supporting him in this case is cooperating with and being a helpmate to his goodness. How much better this is than supporting enabling what is wrong with another. Just remember that many men, though having failed as all men do, nevertheless begin to wake up and learn to be unselfish. Such men become more fatherly and one day transcend their former weaknesses.
When a woman resents her husband, she tends to then feel guilty (for the resentment and judgment). She then blames herself and seeks to “be a better wife” to make up for the guilt. Watch our for this trap. Self blame and guilt result from the resentment and judgment. Let go of resentment, and you will be able to honestly assess what is going on without guilt.
Of course, my fondest desire would be reconciliation and forgiveness, with both sides realizing their role in the situation. Alas, reconciliation and true forgiveness do not usually happen, but there is always hope. And yes, I understand that if the man is a terrible cad, a separation may be the best and safest way to go. The main thing is watch out for resentment. Let it go. Be there for the kids. Live on in dignity and graciousness.
Therefore, dear ladies, forgive your husband.
Men–although you have failed, your past selfishness and lack of understanding may yet result in a happy ending, if your suffering moves you to repentance and change of heart, leading to the hope of redemption and reconciliation. Drop resentment, and let love come through.
About the Author
Roland Trujillo M.S., life coach and author, is Director of the Center For Common Sense Counseling and host of the popular Coach Roland internet radio show on Blogtalk Radio. Coach Roland offers solutions and tools for dealing with stress, letting go of baggage from the past, and healing relationships. Roland knows that resentment underlies many of our stress and relationships issues. Roland says: “Love is the answer, but to find love we must let go of resentment.” Find out more by visiting http://www.rolandtrujillo.com. For marriage issues, visit http://www.commonsensecouples.blogspot.com. You will find free resources and valuable information. Coach Roland has been helping people fo 20 years. Perhaps his common sense approach can help you too.
